My Evy bear turned four today and I can hardly believe it. In some ways she seems so mature and in others I just look at her and see the tiny baby girl that I held for the first time after giving birth. She is such an original. More than I ever imagined she could be. She's into the whole princess thing (obviously), but she also loves monster trucks, excavators, running super fast, riding on her scooter, singing songs she makes up, and so many other Evy things. I have been holding on tightly to her these past few days as we've geared up for the big four. She was my first and always will be. Plus she's my girl, and she'll soon be the oldest of three little brothers to boss around.
I love her so much my heart bursts when I think of that day four years ago. She changed our lives forever.
I wrote the following blog post on my old blog when she was just 16-months old. She has more little freckles now (11 to be exact...Mark thinks I'm kind of crazy for knowing that number). But that first freckle, just like my Evy, was and is so special. I just had to share the post on this blog so I could look back on that moment in time.
I’ve been in a sort of crazy love trance that started 16-months ago on my daughter’s birth date.
This parent type love that I’m talking about is different. It’s set apart. People always said it before I had Evy, but I didn’t really believe it. They’d assure me, “Oh it’s different when it’s your own kid. Just wait.”
They couldn’t have been more right. It is different.
The love that we are programmed to have for the little creatures that we receive is impossible to explain, but I think my experience with a freckle gives a small glimpse into its magnitude.
One day I saw a freckle on Evy’s arm. I didn’t see it the day before, and because I didn’t see it the day before, I know it did not exist the day before. This freckle was a new development. It was microscopic and unnoticeable to the normal human eye, but to my mommy eye it was like a mass of land had suddenly emerged from an ocean of skin. I was bearing witness to God painting one of his masterpieces. With one tiny speck, the entire landscape of His creation changed. A beautiful deviation arranged perfectly on the canvass that is my daughter.
For a couple of days, I became freckle-obsessed. I had to see it whenever I picked her up. I’d roll up her sleeve and say “Look Evy, you have a freckle! I love your freckle.” Then I’d give it a kiss.
I know this is strange. I’d go around singing in my head “a sprinkle, a spreckle, my Evy has a freckle!”
Eventually she caught on that she had a freckle. So, I’d ask her to show it to me and she would look down at her little arm, locate the spot, and tap at it with her other hand. Then she would make me pull up my sleeves so she could point out all of my freckles. And no matter how many times we practiced this exchange, my heart would melt with love and adoration every. single. time.
This isn’t normal, right? I mean, I love my husband, but I don’t go around pointing out his freckles and singing songs about them.
It was just such a singular experience realizing that I was the first person to ever see this freckle. She will have it all her life. It is unique to her. She is a human being with freckles and I, yes I, am her parent. The person responsible for her well-being. The one that waited anxiously for her arrival. The one that will always hope the very best for her.
The one that will love her, down to each and every individual freckle, for all time.
It is different.
I simply can’t imagine life without that freckle.
Here are a couple pictures from her first days with us. Such sweetness!