So They Say
I thought I had it together today. With the cooler temps, I mustered up the energy to bring all four of the kids outside and we played together. It was a rare moment when I felt like an engaged mom, not trying to clean something up or worrying "Where's the other one? Why is it so quiet?"
The past week was a rough one for me. The boys and I have been sick with stuffed noses and sore throats. I finally got over it last Friday but they're still waking us up in the nights wanting comfort and clear nostrils.
Beyond the sickness, I've been fighting a feeling of failure this summer season. I know we signed up for this, and prayed for kids and a big family. But somehow I've taken it for granted as I get up day after day to a routine I can't seem to control. I constantly wonder if I was really made for this. Why don't I have some high-powered job that pays for daycare? Why can't I get my son to listen to me? Why can't I cultivate the friendships I wish I had? Why do I give in to negative thoughts? Why haven't I done more with my life?
I hate battling contentment as a mother. Somehow I manage to take for granted the things that I wanted most. I know part of it is the exhaustion. The mom guilt. The potty training. The faint sound of crying constantly ringing in my ears. But it's also a lack of trust.
God has a plan for my life. This is where I am meant to be.
I wish I could say that with more confidence though.
Yet today for that moment outside with my kids, I felt content and secure in my role. The kids were happy. I was happy. Nobody was crying. All butts were dry.
Then a guy from Duke Energy pulled up. He got out of his car, and with a big smile on his face, told me he was going to disconnect our service because of late payments. WHICH I PAID ONLINE TWO WEEKS AGO. So I had to call the energy company, holding one of the twins while the other one screamed, and Evy and Levi asking over and over "Who is he mommy?"
The energy man just sat with a blank stare and waited for me to confirm payment.
Thanks for bringing me back to reality Duke Energy. Now can you please get your payment options in order, thank you??
That 10 minute interruption started a downward spiral for all of us, probably because I was irritated and feeling like a bill-paying failure (even though I WASN'T).
Then the most miraculous thing happened. All three of my sick boys took a nap. Evy stayed in her room and quietly played with her dolls for an hour. And I got to edit my pictures, one of my favorite things to do.
I found this pretty one of the red barn door that reminds me of fall.
A new season is coming. This is temporary. Someday I will look back with fondness.
And thankfully the downs are usually followed by ups. (Here are some shots of those below).