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Unsolicited Parenting Advice from the Schultes: Part 2

Unsolicited Parenting Advice from the Schultes: Part 2

#2 SMP - Zippers

Congratulations on making it to the second blog! As a reminder, all of Mark's contributions are in [  ].

If you know my husband, you know that he is a scientist with an engineering mind. He is always striving to make the world around him better and as efficient as possible. If something isn't working properly, he addresses the issue.  

Now if you know me, you know that I'm the exact same way. I can't stand inefficiencies. I mean, I would never put up with placing things that have a designated spot in completely random places [driving me absolutely bonkers], or smudges coating my glasses so I can barely see [sometimes all I can see are brown splotches behind the lenses], or not programming people that I contact on a regular basis into my phone [if you text Mick, you should ask her if you have been saved]. 

We are most definitely opposites in this way. I can put up with a lot of inefficiencies for, well for as long as Mark will let me before he goes nuts [and fixes it]. 

This difference between us has become very prominent over these years of baby raising. One major area is clothing. Mark is a slave to function who happened to marry a photographer. I've had to remind him that he should be thankful I am relatively conservative when it comes to spending money on new clothes. I understand the incredible blessing that is hand-me-downs (thank you Twidwells!!) so you won't find me blowing the budget on matching mini leather lace up boots for our twin boys. Sometimes I have to fight every instinct in my body not to order them (because they are ridiculously adorable!!) but I know they will grow out of them minutes after they're purchased.

Definitely NOT worth the picture (I say in a robotic voice that has been programmed into my mind through subliminal brain training by my husband) [Success!]. 

Anyway, one major inefficiency in baby clothing that Mark noticed immediately was snaps. If you know anything about babies, you know that they wear full body sleepers all the time. Or at least our babies do. And those sleepers either come with snaps or zippers. 

[If you had a child or are going to have one, you know about baby showers. At those events, some of your "friends" will give you cute sleeping outfits with snaps. It will surprise you to know that those people are not actually your friends.] 

[Of all the things in babydom, this is perhaps the thing I am most passionate about, mainly because it is so confusing to me. Just use a zipper! Because:

  • Babies arms and legs are constantly moving in random directions keeping time to a completely arrythmic song. So if you are using snaps and you get one leg partly in and then need to move to the other, the first leg will often work its way free and you need to restart.
  • The snaps will sometimes get bent and become unsnappable, but remain excellent at bruising your fingertips.
  • By design the snap based outfits are drafty and get caught on things.
  • If you make a mistake and you don't realize it until the very end, you have one half-snap left all alone and your child looking slightly off-kilter.
  • All of these problems are magnified 10 fold in the dark when there is poop involved. Just use a zipper!]

[But the worst part is the most simple - the time. Assuming everything goes perfectly with the snaps, dressing one baby takes approximately 30 seconds. Depending on the energy level of the child and my sleep deprivation at the time, it could easily stretch past two minutes. For me to zip up a baby sleeper it takes approximately 1 second, with worst case being somewhere around 3 seconds.]

[This is a critical difference in time, because somewhere in that longer snap window the babies will start to wake up and decide it's play time at 2am. However, with the zippers and some ninja diaper changing skills, you can have them back in bed before they know it.]

[To bring the point home, let's do some math over the baby's first year:

  • First 3 months, new diaper every 2 hours = 1080 diapers -This is conservative, especially for new parents
  • Second 3 months, new diaper every 3 hours = 720 diapers
  • Last six months, new diaper every 4 hours = 1080 diapers]

[For a grand total of 2880 diapers. So let's look at the time invested using best case from above:

  • Those poor snapping bastards have given 24 hours of their life to marrying poorly fashioned tin. An entire day gone. Never to be retrieved. A sacrifice to the god of inefficiency.
  • Whereas the enlightened zippers will have spent all of 48 minutes. All that surplus time going directly into the sleep bank. ]

[So my recommended course of action when you are gifted one of these moronic snapping outfits is:

  1. Smile (because you don't want to be rude)
  2. Keep track of the gift receipt
  3. Write that terrible person's name and address down
  4. Return snap outfit in exchange for zipper one at store
  5. Egg gifter's house on the way home (because you actually should be rude)
  6. Get a day of your life back]

[To be forthright, I was not able to implement this completely in my house. I told Mick, "you have unlimited resources to have only zippers in this house." Alas, she did not buy enough. We sometimes ran out of the intelligent ones and had to use the dumb outfits. It wasn't a bother to me, however. I just refused to change diapers behind any snaps and referred to my earlier proclamation. She took it like a champ, but she is good at dealing with ridiculous inefficiencies. It's honestly kind of cute.]

I will add that I remember my reaction to his "proclamation" differently. After he claimed he wouldn't change a diaper, I gave him my mom death stare and he quickly snapped away [I was overcome with love for my beloved]. I love how he remembers my hormonal, sleep-deprived anger as somewhat cute though. Love is blinding. 

Anyway, speaking of cute. Here is what you came for, pictures of babies. Becket got the easy job of modeling zippers:

It was honestly hard to find any non-zipper outfits in our home so we had to wait a couple days to get action shots of the snaps. Sweet Carter had no idea what he was in for: 


From pure joy to utter despair. That is what snaps will do.

Even Mark came out disheveled. 

Don't let this happen to you and your babies. Make your household a NO SNAP household! [For the love of all that is holy.]

Life Lately: It's Been Too Long!

Life Lately: It's Been Too Long!

Unsolicited Parenting Advice from the Schultes: Part 1

Unsolicited Parenting Advice from the Schultes: Part 1